Thursday, June 29, 2006

Thanks for the forwards

I recently received this brilliant e-mail:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS, and I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from most major gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh...and LASTLY................

New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late


FloridaMom said...

All this knowledge that we didn't have before the World Wide Web and yet we survived! However, on the brighter side....All of the other knowledge, communication, conveniences like working from home, school on-line, and shopping are great benefits from this technology!

~Seth & Nancy~ said...

that's too funny! hate to admit, but i had my hand on the mouse the whole time i was reading :-)
hope you guys have a great weekend...wish you were here with us!

Tia said...

I just found out how to post on you page Yay for me! I was a little perturbed that I couldn't leave a response on any of the posts.

I have read every chain email known to man, I'm at a point now where I just delete them before I even open them. With all the filters through email I wonder why I still received forwards. um...oh well I guess I'll never know. I love the picture, and I'll be sure to take some when Chris and Jalen come to visit.

T5M said...

The funny thing about those chain e-mails is that most of them are "urban legends".

..and then my personal favorite: Internet Religion - where you have to forward the message to 7 of your friends before the "internet god" will grant your greatest desires (or save you from looming disaster). I haven't found the part about forwarding e-mail in scripture yet - but I'll keep my eyes open.

Kristy & John said...

You forgot about having to wash all of your bras before you wear them because your nipples might get infected with larvae that end up eating holes through your boobies

T5M said...

I never heard that one, Jones!!! You must not have forwarded it to me - you're obviously jealous of my breasts and WANT parasites to eat them.

You hate me.

The Gawel's said...

I have also heard that licking envelopes has calories as well! So I have always used a wet paper towel. I also started paying bills online, much easier and it saves on stamps!