I often think of God as this loving, arms open, grace-filled being that sits up in the billowy clouds and smiles down at me in delight. He happily makes note of every dollar I donate to charity or to His Kingdom, He notices when I take time out to give Godly counsel to my children or to read them a bible story, He jots down in His book all the times I witness to someone, and He captures every good thing I ever do so that when I arrive at the foot of his throne, he can pat my head and say "Well done, good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25).
Not exactly realistic, but it's what I want to think about. I don't think about Him frowning down at me when I am stingy in my giving, or I spend frivously on things that moths and rust will destroy. I prefer not to think of His displeasure when I am short-tempered with the kids, or His disappointment that I don't spend more time with Him.
The fruit of the Holy Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, and self control (Galatians 5:22). I don't see that fruit in my life and it's not His fault, it's mine. When Jesus sees me in Heaven, I know that His arms will be open, but I don't know if He'll be smiling. He may be like, "you JUST made it in, Girl". I know I won't deserve it, my entrance will be based on His Grace alone. I know that my little tiny acts of goodness are no match for my many, many, many wrongs. I'm honestly hoping that He isn't keeping track, because the 1 gallon of good things I've done is nothing next to the Ocean full of bad things I've done.
It's funny how our minds plays tricks on us - when I think of myself in an eternal way, I can't help but hang onto my good deeds, almost like I'm hoping that if I don't bring up the bad things, He won't remember.
Jesus is no joke. He's the same God that destroyed Sodom, He's the same God that flooded the earth, it is His nature to hate evil, so where do I fit in? Forgiven I guess. I'm not in His good graces for all the wonderful things I've done, but I'm forgiven for all the wrong.