Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Werewolf Boycott

My husband is disgusting. I love him, but he's totally grossing me out. On Sunday I happened to walk into the bathroom only to catch him in a vulnerable situation: barefoot. Jermaine is not the barefoot type, we're like Dharma and Gregg when it comes to that - I would walk around barefoot in the middle of winter, Jermaine wears socks with his crocs at the beach. Anyway, I let out a horror-movie scream, which immediately sent the kids running into the bathroom to see what all the hysterics were about. It was the ungodly sight of my husbands disgustingly overgrown claws (yes, they were claws). Toenails are short and blunt, claws curve down and scratch the floor when the beast walks. When I stopped screaming I began a short series of dry heaves; once I gained composure I begged him to cut the claws. At that point he informed me that they were to "protect me, should an intruder enter our home in the middle of the night". Not cute.

So the claws coupled with the werewolf-style growth on his face has let me to boycott him until he 1) clips the claws back to toenails, and 2) Trims his beard (no man should have hair from their eye brows to their toes - there should be some separation in the face area (my husband literally has hair growing under his eyes).

So far he has resisted, and has remained unkissed (by Amelle and I, who have joined forces). He probaby won't cut them until they break the leather of his new sneakers and poke out the front, or shred our bed linens, whichever comes first.


FloridaMom said...

Those "Claw nails" are also dangerous in bed. One wrong move and your legs will be shredded instead of the bed linens. It happened to me once and that was the last time!

Gordon cut his nails in the middle of the night,that night, and then I made him but on socks as a secondary protection. I attended to my own bleeding leg.

MaineMomKC5 said...

I tell you, nothing chaps my butt more than when I feel Shaun's toenails underneath the covers!! They are like small daggers!

He's been warned repeatedly to keep his toes on his "side" of the bed lest I become maimed.

Boys are gross!

T5M said...

Perhaps the best part of this story is the part that has been left untold...
...this morning I mentioned the boycott to him, and he had no idea what I was talking about - he didn't realized that I kept at a distance all week!

Today he must've felt compelled to shave because he went to Amelle's school (and didn't want to get captured in a net) - when I came home their were globs of shaven beard hair in the sink. It was bittersweet.

They're beyond gross.

Kristy & John said...

You know what is really gross - when they clip the nails and leave them where they clipped them

How 'bout the one that clipped his nails in the office

"clip, clip, clip..."


barbarakuhn said...

I can relate, Kristy. What about when therer isn't a nail clipper around? Pick, pick, pick - GROSS
Should be a law.