Love this e-mail chain that I got this morning. As I read through it though, I editorialized...I couldn't resist!
THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. (THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1 " ON PURPOSE! ) em: Is it because men can’t count?
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. em: Clearly.
1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN. em: Men don’t use it in the down position? Hmmm – must be uncomfortable when they make #2.
1. SUNDAY SPORTS IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE. em: How so? It seems to me that Sunday sports is not like the full moon or the changing of the tides in any discernable way.
1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL. em: sounds like it’s working.
1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT! em: case in point, on Valentines Day I mentioned that I LOVED this little heart shaped rock that I saw at Kennedy Studios in Portsmouth to my husband, while he was driving home from work. Oh, I raved about the beauty of this piece, how the framing was exquisite and how it would make the best valentines gift for “someone”. An hour later my husband arrives home with a card (that he left in his work bag) and declares; “sorry no gift, I didn’t know what to get you”. Yes, Jerms, you deserved to be called out on the carpet for that one!
1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION. em: Hmmm…let’s test this out: Which gender is smarter, men or women?
1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR. em: Girlfriends help us solve a whole host of problems that men couldn’t do anything with, particularly those pertaining to our more complex body parts (ovaries, fallopian tubes, vulvas, brains).
1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS. em: that’s gracious, in my house it’s 7 seconds.
1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US. em: This question should be a “gimme” for any man. It’s an opportunity for you to build us up, like you did when we first met. Men are so dumb, and you wonder why you “never get any” – YOU GOT NO GAME!
1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE. em: Did Socrates write this?
1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF. em: No, that’ll never do.
1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS. em: Why? You don’t listen to us then either.
1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE. em: Christopher Columbus didn’t know where the hell he was, and neither do men most of the time.
1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS. em: Mauve is a disgusting color that died in the 80s, remove it from your vocabulary.
1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED. WE DO THAT. em: With what? Let’s see, you have nubs on your fingers and razor blades on your toes. Thanks anyway.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE. em: No kidding.
1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR. em: unless you ask during a TV show, then you won’t get any reply, because they haven’t heard the question.
1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY. em: Really? How about just our underwear? …to the kids’ soccer game?