Today I'm getting braces. I don't want to talk about it. I just wanted you to know so that you'll be prepared when you see me.
Here are some FAQs that might help me avoid talking about this unpleasant subject:
Q. Why are you getting braces?
A. Because I have a crooked tooth.
Q. I never noticed a crooked tooth?
A. You've never looked closely at my smile. It's one of my front teeth. (The one that my brother pushed in with a baseball bat when I was like 6 and he was like 9 - old enough to tell me not to play catcher so close to the batter)
Q. Braces are expensive, is your brother going to cover the cost of this expensive procedure?
A. Yes, he'll pay dearly, once I sue him for gross disfigurement (which ruined my modelling career) and psychological damage (this blog is proof).
Q. How long will you need to wear them?
A. Four to six months, but since I'm an overachiever, I'm hoping to have them off in three.
Q. Are you going to get fun colored rubber bands? (kids question)
A. I sure hope not.
Q. Why is your brother so mean?
A. I don't know, you'll have to ask him.
Q. Are you getting invisalign?
A. No. It wasn't presented as an option.
Q. How does Dirt feel about it?
A. He can't wait. He's always wanted a wife who wears braces.
Q. How will braces interfere with your new flossing obsession?
A. How do you know about that? That's private.