Are you suppose to wait until you have all the information before you take the first step?
...or do you sometimes leap and pray that God has got your back?
I have seriously been going nuts analyzing and over-analyzing our plans to adopt. I mean, it's no secret that Dirt and I have problems with decision-making. If it takes us 3 years to buy chairs for our mudroom, it's bound to take us a solid 30 years to decide if/when/who to adopt.
But seriously, I feel like God planted adoption in our hearts years ago - before even Amaya was born and since then, I think we've let the weeds of fear cover that beautiful plant. If we had adopted after we attended our first adoption meeting, we'd be 6 years into raising our adopted child by now.
I keep asking God to give me permission to do something that He already called me to. I keep wanting Him to send a child to us, because then we wouldn't have to make any decisions, we'd just know it was God. I mean how are we suppose to know who to adopt? It's not like there's a 12 year old orphan boy who's name God has inscribed across my heart, and who happens to call me mom, has taken on our last name, and who sent me four emails today, telling me how much he loves and misses us, his family... or anything. Ahem.
I'm pretty sure that God just shakes his head when he looks down at us.
A while ago I heard Francis Chan mention how funny it is that Christians need to hear from God specifically when it comes to doing things that He's already asked us to do (via His Word), but we don't feel like we need to ask him to do things that we want to do. It's so true. I've been begging God to allow us to adopt, when His word explicitly tells us to care for orphans and to love others as we love ourselves. Yet I have no problem proceeding to buy a new car without any prayer or permission at all.
During this entire process, God keeps telling me to focus on Him. I feel like I'm looking into one of those black and white static puzzles, if I focus long enough, the picture just might become clear.