Monday, August 09, 2010

Adoption Update: Knots

My stomach is in knots. Knots.

On Friday I was driving to work listening to Francis’ Chan – he was talking about leaving his church and heading off to a new chapter in his life. “Am I sure?”, he said…”no…I’m about 70-80% sure – but when are you ever 100% sure of anything? …and how many times have you been 100% sure of something and then been 100% wrong?”

That was how my day began.

The next thing that happened was crazy.

An e-mail came through with the subject line,”I know this is a really weird question”. When I opened the email, I read: “but do you think that you and Dirt might be called to be the parents of a 3-4 year old Ethiopian boy? …I won’t torture you with pictures unless you ask”

This is literally something I have prayed about for years. Actually, I don’t know if it’s been a full-blown prayer or just mini exasperated requests to God (is there a difference?), but on numerous occasions, I’ve said, “Lord, can’t you just put a child before us, so we’d know”? I have begged Him to do that so, so many times.

This was crazy. A 3-4 year old boy is exactly what we set out to adopt 2+ years ago. A 3-4 year old boy is the perfect compromise between my desire to adopt an older child and Dirt’s desire to adopt an infant. A 3-4 year old boy is our sweet spot….and the opportunity to say yes was just a click away.

I called Dirt and he said, “get all the information you can”.

Within minutes of my reply, I was flooded with photos of a precious wide-eyed child. I forwarded to Dirt who agreed: “He’s a cutie”.

This child has a biological half sister who was adopted last year and we arranged a call with her mother to talk about everything we could think of on Friday night. She was awesome and provided us with lots of information. We told her that we’d be taking the weekend to pray about it. She'd be praying too (as would another couple who is considering adoption).

It’s Monday and we’re still praying. We don’t have any peace in this situation. We’re scared about everything. We’re scared about saying yes and we’re scared about saying no. Adoption is definitely not for wimps....and I'm feeling extremely wimpy. Thoughts from only having three barstools at the kitchen counter to a 4th college tuition have fed our fears. But then there is love. There is the WWJD factor – and I tend to think that Jesus would want us to love this child, even if it means sacrificing. I’m not real good at sacrificing things, but God is, and if I trust that He is transforming me in His image, then….maybe....


Jillian and Crew said...

your honesty is so refreshing :)

Angel said...

ACCKKKK!!! So awesome. Every single time we have started the adoption process God has used the face of a child to show us we were ready for what He has. Each time it was not the first child we saw but another one that we adopted. Not saying this won't be THE one for you. I'm just saying... God has his way of saying, "If you have room then why not love one?" :-)

You know what my thought was this last time??? I won't have any trunk space cause we'll have to use the fold down seat back there. LOL! THE THINGS I WORRY ABOUT!!

Seriously, the child you adopt isn't gonna care if he has to share bar stools. The kids can get a few loans for college... cause he will be LOVED and with a family.

At this point you are SO DEEP IN. You have taken the pill and gone down the rabbit hole and it sounds like you sometimes wanna crawl back out.

I know the feeling... I was there a good chunk of our first adoption- TERRIFIED!!!!! Seriously, I was. There were moments that if I could have time traveled and stopped everything I would have. During our first adoption I told people I was gonna crawl under a rock and never do anything significant AGAIN. It was just too risky... too scary. I am SOOOOO glad I didn't.

I'm here anytime you are ready to talk. I know you are IN SHOCK right now. Hee hee.. I promise I'm not here to convince you of anything. BUT I can tell you honestly what it's going to probably be like to adopt an older kiddo. There are things to consider in that for sure. HUGS!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!