I'm broken. I don't have the words to type or even pray.
The pastor at our former church had a saying he'd pull out from time to time, and it sort of stuck with me. He said that when we're in the midst of the fire, we cry out to the Lord and ask Him for help, but sometimes He whispers back that He's the one who started it.
God uses the fire to refine us, Isaiah 48 reminds us, "See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another."
I don't know where I'm going with this. I am sleep-deprived, sad, and weak. I feel like the last few weeks have been one attack after another and I am ready for a reprieve. I removed the latest series of adoption posts because I can't stand being reminded of the hope I once had. I am confused about how God could use something so beautiful to cause so much pain. I have no words, I am trying to cling to the promise in Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.", but clinging to anything right now seems to take energy that I don't have.
With apologies for the "woe is me sentiment" in this post; I just wanted to be real about life and being me right now.