Friday, May 13, 2011

Dark Days

When it comes to our adoption, I try very hard not to play the “what if” game. It’s too dangerous for me because fear is a cruel captor. It’s so slick, it just creeps in and before I know it my soul is in turmoil. Today fear snuck in via a series of emails. The first was from CIS telling me that my case was still waiting to be assigned to an officer. They reiterated that their current processing time is 75 days. Ugh. That puts us WAY behind schedule. The second email was from my sweet waiting boy who has somehow heard the news that adoptions have been slowed down by his government:

Hello my sweet mom
How was the day? My day was went well. I am very happy to Skype you. Hearing your voice make me delighted, --Mom I heard rumor that Ethiopia government is going out new rule on adoption area. I think until September they going out only in per day five children, can out through adoption. The number of children will decrease so Gladney and other companies are in dangerous. So the process must be fast cause the time is short. I love you and I miss you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love your son

I want to wrap my arms around him and comfort him, but I am a world away and powerless. Today I forgot to believe that my God is bigger than my fears. I forgot that the all-powerful, all-sovereign Creator of the universe is my loving daddy. I allowed my mind to crack open the dungeon door and before I knew it I was engulfed in darkness with venomous thoughts swirling wildly around me. What if the program shuts down all together and we never get him? What if we have to wait so long for a court date that he becomes too old to adopt (15 is the max age allowed)? What if we never get to bring him home? What if God’s plan is for him to stay in Ethiopia? What if I don’t get my way? What if God fails me? What if God has another plan and it’s different from mine? What if. What if.

I wrote back to B, encouraging him with scripture and reminding him to pray…but then I wallowed in my own anguish all day. The thought of him never getting to come home is unbearably painful. If you’re reading this, please pray that God will bring our boy home soon and that his heart and mine will be at peace with God’s perfect timing.

..but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. -Isaiah 40:31


candice said...

Oh Erin.
I can hear your voice and feel the emotions that are going through you as I read this.
I am right here with you and it stinks. There are so many unknowns and hard things ahead that it threatens to sink me daily. I wish I could be there to give you a BIG HUG right now and cry with you as we wait.

As you have reminded me several times in the past few months- our God is much BIGGER than any of these circumstances. He who has called us IS FAITHFUL and I am choosing to believe that He will bring these adoptions to completion in His perfect timing.

Been memorizing different scriptures through out this adoption, and one of my favorite (easier) ones is Micah 7:7

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me.

I love you and am always praying for sweet B and our kiddos!

Erin Moore said...

Reading that was a hug. Thanks so much Candice. Looking forward to catching up next week.

Praising God that He has infused my life with so many strong & supportive friends to walk this journey with.