Yesterday I thought to myself, "I'm getting better at waiting. I think God has finally given me the virtue of patience". Earlier in the day I received our CIS approval in the mail. I immediately got it notarized and was Fed Ex'ing it to the state to get authenticated. I had been waiting for this document for almost 60 days. It is the last piece of paper needed for our adoption. When I had this "epiphany" about how good I was getting at waiting I was in the process of using Fed Ex to get it where it needed to go as quickly as possible. Oh the irony.
The reality is that I had a sliver of peace because I just received a long-awaited document. My peace was circumstantial. It wasn't Paul's peace, the God-peace that transcends circumstances. My phony little sense of peace and patience was shaken when I read a recent update about the slow down of processing adoption cases in Ethiopia. Darkness.
Today I was completely restless. I can't wait any longer. It's too difficult. He just needs to be here. Now.
I sent an email to our case-worker asking for an update on our referral. I updated my four adoption spreadsheets and reviewed my timelines. I emailed B and told him things that mamas say to their sons. I received photos and kind words from some folks who just returned from Ethiopia and had the opportunity to meet my sweet boy and see his smile. But nothing soothed my restlessness.
To top it off, people are asking me about him all the time now. It's like being 7 months pregnant only you have no idea when you're due. "I hear your adopting, when are you expecting your new child?" - I have nothing to give them but a shoulder shrug and an apologetic, "We're praying that he'll be here this fall...but things are really slow with Ethiopian adoptions right now". When Christians ask I tell them that God will need to move mountains to get him here this fall, but we know that He can. Some days I say this more confidently than others.
Today I was weak.